God wouldn’t let me speak to you through my anger and funky attitude yesterday so that this message wouldn’t be clouded by my emotions, but would be clearly understood. Please read with an open heart. This message is more about me tryn to encourage myself vs how I try to encourage others. – Shami
I stepped back into my tomb yesterday. I hadn’t prayed in a couple of days, and my first weapon of defense had fallen to the waist-side. My carelessness left me open to the enemies attack, completely oblivious of the small steps I was making into the wrong direction. Obviously today I can see that my inconsistent prayer life had caused a slow separation between me and God…again. I knew there was a “weight on my navel” slowing the growth of success within, and allowing me to see only the darkness in the situation rather the light in front of me. I had walked backwards some kind of way and sat in my Egyptian coffin.
I have been really studying this process from the concept of Lazarus since I received the word last week. From that seed of knowledge, the vines have extended into other little small revelations, that even though is growing under the surface, I’m sure will reveal the growth of a sturdy tree when it’s all said and done!
Into my Coffin I Go!
I hadn’t been to church. The first couple of Sunday’s was just because I was traveling, and then it was because we were all to tired and the gas to drive down the hill and back was too much. After that, this heart issue happened. I already had missed maybe 5 services, so it was easy for me to not go this past Sunday, even after my blog, when my mind started to resolve my own reflection in the mirror. To give me understanding of my rejection, I started getting upset with the idea of being in the presence of a PASTOR! Because he was a pastor and in the pulpit preaching somewhere…being blessed… moving on in his own healthy way, I couldn't bare to go in the presence of my own pastor who hadn’t done ANYTHING to me. The idea of the sermon even being directed at my spirits' contamination and there being ANOTHER alter call, frustrating me. I was over it! I had already come down months ago when he preached on the “matters of the heart”, and here I was…
Continuing my mental spiral, I wandered into a path of think that lead me wondering if they all lied selfishly but still got anointed when they got on stage? I wondered if any other men in the church who "loved" Jesus, hurt others like me? All the good ones I knew where marrying my friends, or marrying other women. When they said “I believe you are my wife”, they took those words seriously.
Then it was, anger against every pastor who ONLY has female assistants, and a variety a women helping them, instead of mentoring other young men and having them asst them. It was like the only ones who did have male assistants seemed to be gay! My conclusion was they are all contaminated by sexual immorality. Not one of them is delivered! This was my anger...I don't believe that those who have been delivered are still in sin...k. I mean the seed started spreading you guys as you can see! Sadly,I grew up in an industry where gospel artist, who claimed to be servants of the Lord, would go on stage “catch the Holy Ghost” minister the whole nine…and head back stage and say and do all kinds of inappropriate stuff. Most of the time around me, thinking I was too young to understand. Creating new fantasies, an entirely new anger sprouted, because I found a NEW way to be mad at God…
Stuck in the Past
I just started watering the plant. All I could think about were these two instances that keep validating my insecurity. We were in the parking lot of Walmart and “the guy” feel to his knees asking for me to just be patient with him…to forgive him and I did!...sigh I did L. The other time was when I had told myself this entire situation is not what I should tolerate. It had only been a month, not much was invested, so I was pretty cool with just moving on. I packed my bags started to get ready for my flight and while I was in the other room, I could tell someone was praying for me. It was like my heart got soft and I heard God say, “He’s gonna come and ask for forgiveness…when he does, forgive him, and hug him back”. I thought what I was thinking was crazy, and that I must be trippn’, but there in the other room was him on his knees..praying! I had never seen someone do that for me. Never knew to was possible to be connected in prayer with someone like that! When he got up,he said he was praying for me to not go…the rest doesn’t even matter, but for almost 1 year…I held on to these two moments to endure whatever was to happen in the future because:
A. I thought he was going to be my husband
B. I heard him pray for me not to leave and to be patient with him. It was something I thought I needed to do, so he'd have someone to walk on the journey with
C. The connection with praying with him had become stronger than any sexual bond I have ever experienced. I had created another bond that was meant for two married people outside of God's holy covenant naively
D. I thought I was hearing God…
I was and am stuck in that room, remembering him one way and coping with knowing the present hurtful truth that is really to hard to admit…
So with not going to church and just getting into the word when I wanted, I was separating myself. Seeking God’s hand only! God HEAL ME, GOD RELEASE ME, GOD REPAIR ME, GOD DO THIS FOR MY FAMILY< DO THAT FOR MY JOB, instead of just worshipping him and waiting for it to come to pass. Worshipping was like the farthest thing from my mind. The embarrassing feeling for him still lingered after my new revelations, tired of it, I told God since YOU can’t protect my heart I’ll do it myself!
Here’s my newest lesson that I am…worshipping through…
Picture the doorway of the tomb that I have been discussing in previous blogs. Now that you have that picture in place and all the things that are symbolic, imagine in that doorway and Egyptian mummy! The Golden Coffin beautifully adorned on display with bullet proof glass around the perimeter as if the tomb was in the Smithsonian. Safely protected so that no one can get too close to the valuable piece of art(God’s creation)…a valuable piece of history(my past), so it can continue to be preserved from admirers and the APPEARANCE of DEATH. The Egyptian Coffins gave the idealistic appearance of the true self inside the tomb, the one slowly decaying…the one preserved in it’s last state.
I was doing this! I made it to the doorway with layers still on me, but faith to only go so far. My sight as you read above got distracted, and instead of going all the way forward, I walked into this gold tomb. I was really working on the outside more then the inside. My facade outside I’m back…my sway is there…confidence in tack, but I’m basing it on the things that I have “dressed” myself in and by the compliments from the admires that I get from a safe distance. I’m still a freaking mess inside.
When I told Tina my new plans she ways like “Great, but have you prayed about this new dating thing your doing…all the new guys” My answer was “No…". Then the other morning, I playfully shared the same blueprint of my new lifestyle to my other accountability partner Amarra, and she was like “Sham? Have you prayed about this?” I quickly told her “No”, and explained I knew I should, but because I really could not trust if I was hearing God right, how can pray about the next steps.
I continued to express through unwanted tears,"Look how badly I skewed it up the last time!"
As you can hear my honest thoughts…I am not fully out of this gold coffin today, and admitting it and stepping out of it, is something I really DON’T want to do. IT FEELS SAFE in here!!!...but I’m writing this out so at some point in my life I can look back and see how far Gods brought me. Because even though I believe I’m not hearing God correctly I can’t explain to you how I hear that I’m suppose to be studying this. Go figure!
Different Wrapping…Same Present
The first thing I did…which I always do, was wrap my heart in Gold and remove it from my body to preserved it’s delicate nature, and everything else that would get hurt too easily. Next step was to place it in a jar outside my body, and place it in a safe place. It’s customary in Egyptian embalming that they remove the heart and weigh it against the weight of a feather to decide how righteous you were. Since my heart deceived me..IT had to go! Like the Egyptians I replaced it with a stone beetle symbolizing that a stony heart would last forever, never deceiving me in my next life. I was thinking I’ll walk out this tomb, but NOT with my heart. It stays in there
The struggle lies in this scripture:
Ezekiel 11:19-21 19 Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them, and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh, 20 that they may walk in My statutes and keep My judgments and do them; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God. 21 But as for those whose hearts follow the desire for their detestable things and their abominations, I will recompense their deeds on their own heads,” says the Lord GOD.
In this scripture that God is specifically talking about was referring to the Egyptians, which I have to acknowledge is him talking about me too L God’s desire has always been to love me! And not wanting anything to separate us, he wants the stone to be removed so that my heart can be in a place of worship. But we fight because I only see love through my tainted lens, not in the truth that he has come to be. God who is LOVE, who desire a heart of flesh…one that feels…so that we can walk in his statues…in his way, so that our desires will be his desires, since OBVIOUSLY our ways are not his ways. He wants there to be ONE heart, because he recognizes the division. But the fight has now turned into me and God instead of me and the enemy, Me defending my place of safety, since I feel like my heart of flesh was taken advantage of.
Next I put myself in a see through box so that if any admirers come by there is a safe distance between the both of us…and if there is any confusion, there is bulletproof glass protecting it, a brochure that describes the history, an explanation of why you shouldn't get to close, and if you do an alarm will go off!
It is like there are two Shamael’s! The fabulous one that everyone may see and then the true self underneath wrapped up in rags that Christ is tryn' to beacon into to the light
Here are the different types of layer:
Invisible Tape: Fantasies…O fantasies. When your wrapped in an idea and the fantasy runs around and around, wrappings its self around you. My best example of this (Man I don’t really like being this transparent) is when you fantasize over you're wedding.
I’ve be planning it in my mind forever so much so, that I have a different wedding for each guy I have thought “could be the one”. Very shortly after the “Connection” was made with each guy, I starting playing with the idea to see ifit was something that I wanted long term. Each has a different dress, color scheme, venue, dude even the brides maids were different.
Caution Tape : When you draw the lines around the perimeter of your body like “Caution” something horrible has happened here...Do not enter. And if your in a desperate place…you only let in people who are willing to do the “investigation” past the tape. If they show the time and the effort to get passed the “clues” and the “mystery” of it all, you will allow them in your space and even desire for them to “Solve your Death”
But "captain save a hoe" isn’t Jesus, and he can’t raise you from the dead. I say that lovingly to myself too
Chains, locks, and one key: These things are heavy. Pulling you down to the ground. For me, my chain was never a romantic protection from my heart, it was my fashion career...my artistic expression that I locked safely away. For me, having my own line, is so much more of who I am then anything else. It's like how I dreamed of worshipping God (if you saw my newest collection you'd understand), so with every failed follow through, I locked myself up and gave up. So much so that I hid the key from myself! When I wanted to get back into doing fashion again, it was like I couldn't move that far in it! I’d get scared, I get this overwhelming feeling that things where going to go wrong and I should probably turn back. I started measuring every other person that said they would help me with business side, and when it didn’t go through (gosh like recently ..again) I’d put the chains back on like "I told you so"!
BUT this is a stronghold, and I know it. No amount of failure should stop me from the very nature of who I am. All I need is one success, and the doors will continue to open from there.
I believe the key to this lies in me submitting to God's process so that the chains will fall away from my body and then Christ who already took the keys from hell can unlock me. Sigh…but writing it out is easier than my application.
Duck Tape : Aka.Quick Fixes. My best example of this is we had a car named Toothless. He has recently gone to car heaven, but on the left rear view mirror we WRAPPED duck tape on it instead of taking it to get fixed. Not wanting to PAY THE PRICE, we SETTLED for the easiest, quickest version, and kept it pushing. I mean it worked fine…unless it rained ( A house built on sand can’t withstand weather conditions). But trust we wonted have done it on the Bentley Coupe! So my point is if I value myself as the loyal, completely used, tacky inside and out Plymouth van, then I’ll wrap duck tape around my vision to do quick fixes, because the maintenance is something I don’t want to pay out. But if I view myself as the Bentley Coupe, then I would never even utter the word. That solution would not cross my mind or be a logical solution. I would put that bad boy in the shop, with a reliable trustworthy mechanic and wait for it to be finished.
Rubber bands: Loosely fitting, you don’t know it’s there until you start walking forward and when you’ve reached a certain distance, typically the same spot, you BOUNCE right back into the same freakn' situation. I always think to myself…"now I know I was walking in a good direction how did I end up back here?" My need to understand has brought me here…The only thing that can break this bad boy is if ALL TIES ARE CUT OFF! Because you can’t pull away from a rubber band, it just hurts even more, and even in the pulling it digs in your skin/flesh and stings like crazy when it smacks you back.
I leave this message fighting with this scripture and asking you to pray for me!
Psalm 25
A David Psalm
1-2My head is high, God, held high; I'm looking to you, God;No hangdog skulking for me.
3 I've thrown in my lot with you;You won't embarrass me, will you? Or let my enemies (the devil) get the best of me? Don't embarrass any of us Who went out on a limb for you ( I want both of us to heal from this situation. I don't want anything bad, or for him to ever be embarrassed by this or what I share).It's the traitors (the enemy) who should be humiliated.
4 Show me how you work, God; School me in your ways.
5 Take me by the hand; Lead me down the path of truth. You are my Savior, aren't you?
6 Mark the milestones of your mercy and love, God;Rebuild the ancient landmarks! 7 Forget that I sowed wild oats ( I've contributed to wrong as well); Mark me with your sign of love. Plan only the best for me, God!
8 God is fair and just; He corrects the misdirected, Sends them in the right direction.
9 He gives the rejects his hand, And leads them step-by-step.
10 From now on every road you travel Will take you to God. Follow the Covenant signs; Read the charted directions.
11 Keep up your reputation, God; Forgive my bad life; It's been a very bad life.
12 My question: What are God-worshipers like?
Your answer: Arrows aimed at God's bull's-eye. (Like Peter keeping his eye on Jesus and not falling in the water)
13 They settle down in a promising place; Their kids inherit a prosperous farm. (I want to walk into the promise of marriage even though it terrifies me that it will never happen and walk into the promise of my purpose. So both the generation I bare and the purpose I bare will always produce fruit and multiply like the fish and bread)
14 God-friendship is for God-worshipers; They are the ones he confides in.
15 If I keep my eyes on God, I won't trip over my own feet.
16 Look at me and help me! I'm all alone and in big trouble.
17 My heart and kidneys are fighting each other; Call a truce to this civil war.
18 Take a hard look at my life of hard labor, Then lift this ton of sin.
19 Do you see how many people Have it in for me? How viciously they hate me?
20 Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble;Don't let me down when I run to you.
21 Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product.
22 God, give your people(me) a break. From this run of bad luck.
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