Shamael Lataillade COME FORTH!!! ( The First BLOG)

I just cried in the car for a good couple of minutes. It's Monday... I have work to do...life altering things to organized and there I was, sitting in the car...CRYING...over a guy!!! My brown skin has turn almost red and my eyeglasses are stained with tears and snot! I think back to the last two hours of conversation that I had this morning, one with the guy I completely adored and the other with my mentor and thought how did I get myself in this place again Jesus!
No FOR REAL!!! I tried to do it God's way! I haven't had sex in almost 4 years!!! Four years people, and I remember when getting to month 3 was a victory! Now the battle is how to fight in the lonely times when it’s just me in a room quoting 1 Thesselonians to myself! Or wanting to go on a date and all you seem to attract are weird guys and your looking into the sky like "For Real Jesus"...for real…
I was MAD...hurt...frustrated...discouraged in the very word of God because I had handled every step in prayer! My thinking was that if I prayed about every step of this process that I would be completely healed from emotional baggage, past hurt, new hurts…all of it! I even thought that if he was not for me…I would hear clearly to “walk away”. I had already engaged in relationships that were not worth it, so if I heard God tell me he isn’t the one, I would’ve walked away but that’s not what I heard…
This evening I sit back and truly allow God to minister to me because I see and understand why I, Shamael Lataillade, had to go through it this way. This morning I cried to my girl Nikki and said I don’t understand why God wouldn’t take it out! If he wasn’t for me, if he wasn’t suppose to be my friend, if he wasn’t “the one”, if we weren’t suppose to working on ministry together why did God allow me to stay in this for this long praying and fasting to end up here…looking like a fool! :-)…it’s simple he had to leave the thorn in my side so I could walk out of my tomb!
When Paul writes to us about dying to the old man he uses the illustration of the cross to speak to believers about the process of salvation. In that time you were pronounced dead when the FIRST nail went into the hand/wrist, but typically it took several days before you were dead. When we have confessed with our mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and believed in our hearts that God raised him from the dead that’s when I believe we receive the first nail! God sees us as dead to the old way, but allows us to go through the process of salvation…of the death, so that we can become complete! So if you’re like me and you study the word and add knowledge to your faith, your like “Bet! …Cool! God wants to completely BLOW up the old man…blow up the temple like the book of Haggi, and build a completely new thing. So when people walk by they can say “ That’s Shamael?…NO WAY!” That doesn’t even look like her!
That’s what I wanted. I wanted Kainos…not Neos!
Pastor Brian Loritts preached on this sermon that changed the foundation of my walk by describing the difference between the two. Neos is the updated version. Kainos is something that has never been seen before. Kainos is Henry Ford. Neos is every car at the LA Car Expo…lol. I didn’t want to be an updated Sham…I wanted to be this completely new creature! I wanted to be what God had always intended for me to be, but if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! (Matt 6:23) So God had to fix my vision for faith is the substance of things hoped forth the evidence of things NOT SEEN!
As I release this to you guys, God is answering my prayer from this morning and the answer to my Why God isn’t just the thorn in my side like I suspected the answer lies in Lazarus.

Now a man named Lazarus(Shamael) was SICK. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 This Mary, whose brother Lazarus (Shamael) now lay SICK, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair. 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is SICK."
4 When he heard this, Jesus said, "This SICKNESS will NOT end in DEATH. No, it is for GOD’s GLORY so that God's Son may be GLORIFIED THROUGH it." 5 Jesus LOVED Martha and her sister and Lazarus (Shamael). 6 Yet when he heard that Lazarus (Shamael) was SICK, he stayed where he was two more
days.

My illness was the thorn in my side. My prayer partner and I fussed this morning about not having to struggle with really any other sin accept the men situation. I have compromised my self-esteem for distorted love! Engaged in all sorts of unhealthy behavior just because being alone was so difficult. I wanted to belong to someone who loved me for me! I don’t know if I’ve watched to many Disney movies, but I want to be loved an to love in return and I have jumped into several little disasters because I thought ”maybe he is the one”! That’s my thorn….that the thing that has been the catalyst for so many things. I wasn’t thing cute girl growing up so I think the first guy who took a notice in me ended up being my boyfriend and that turned into physical abuse. From there, the cycle continued, allowing myself to be in relationships with no title, or the girl he would only see at night. It was almost four years ago when I told God look I can’t do this anymore, how ever you want me to do this I’ll do it and that’s what I’ve been doing.

When I think about how pissed off of I was with God this morning I start crying inside my heart! I was like Mary and Martha praying, and then saying if you had been here two days ago….this situation wouldn’t be dead! Why weren’t you here! But Christ answers I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in ME even if he dies will live!

I can step back and see the unconditional love on how God wants me to live without the habits of my old life or without out the rejection of this current situation! Look at the steps:

STEP ONE: Jesus said what I have a hard time believing somedays. Especially in this season when I felt like my prayers where not being heard. To make dead things rise I believe you must first begin here...believing that God HEARS your prayers! Christ says "Father, I Thank you that you heard ME! I know that you ALWAYS hear me, but because of the crowd standing here I said this, so I THEY may believe YOU sent me!

STEP TWO: It's pretty simple. There is only one name that has the God given authority to call dead things to rise and that's the name of Jesus Christ. I heard Jesus say my name like Lazarus did and the process began!

STEP THREE: Get up!

STEP FOUR: Walk out of the Tomb!
This is the road that can be difficult, because for me...I'm usually walking on the revelation of the the last word God gave me. It may have only been a month,but for whatever reason I may stop...take a step back...take a couple of steps forward, because I'm wanting God to say something in addition to what he has ALREADY BROKEN ME THROUGH. Do you understand what I mean? Go has already given me the word to move, but somewhere down the path I stop because I want God to give me more direction! Do you want me to walk in a straight line? How many steps will it take to the door? If I take two steps then run, will you bless me for getting to the door faster? God just said "Get to the the door...we still got to get the bandages off of you babe!"

STEP FIVE: LET OTHER FOLLOWERS TAKE THE GRAVE CLOTHES OFF ME!!! ( shout out to Nikki Green..I love you Nik, Tina Ansah, Tegra Little, Amarra Lee)
I have accountability in the shape of the cross! Im in the middle and my peers are parallel to me. If I kept my accountability there I would only be as strong as the revelation of my sister. That means as we both grow the wisdom we gain is only as deep as the path we've been on! It's great for the day to day walk...but sometimes you feel like the blind leading the blind. There are always those moments of "Girl...I don't know. I figuring this one out too!" That's where God has placed those in my life who cover me spiritually from a place of love authority. This is my girl Nik and my aunt Tegra. The conversations I have with them aren't as frequent are the ones with my peers,but they are the ones that do the most pruning! Reciprocity is the BIGGEST component to this step, because if there isn't 100% transparency and willingness to grow, it fails. Sometime you cant REACH the death cloth around your neck, around your hands, covering your eyes! Someone with there hands free must move it for you and say...Do you see that, ok no you throw it to the waist side..you feel me?

STEP SIX: Let go of the things that held you bound
When I'm alone and can't reach any of my friends these are the hard moment when I am forced to move the things that have kept me bound by myself! This is the hard part and where I think I still am in some ways. You fight your coping mechanisms here! Example I am allergic to everything, I can't have sex and I get seriously sick if I eat the pasta or the ice cream that would make it a little easier!Sometimes I don't want to read the scripture Jesus I just want you to take the dog on feeling away so I don't have to bother with it anymore! These are generational curses, these are your emotions, or our past minus the addiction that never let to address the real issue. FUN!

STEP SEVEN: Learn how to walk after you have been bound! Not on the crutches from being in sickness. I'm not here yet but looking at the scripture its says HE who is able to keep you from falling! This is the place of deliverance when you walk and the things that caused you to fall don't bother you at all :-)

Step EIGHT Alive and Healthy Dining at the table with Christ!
I chapter 12 Lazarus is in the room reclining on a chair just hanging out with Jesus. The dude was dead some days ago, and now here he is not a hint of death or sickness on him having a god time!

Do you see what I see! I see a process of restoration not of taunting! I can see that God let me get my heart broken so that I could work on the thorn in my side. I still have a lot more layers to pull off,but I wont stop praying. I wont stop seeking...I wont stop believing that that God has ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL THAT I COULD EVER ASK OR THINK! And your thorn might not be my thorn, but be encouraged that it's to bring you to a place of life because if you walk during the day, he doesn't stumble, because he sees the light of the world. If anyone walks during the night, he does stumble because the light is not in him

Philippians 1:9-11 (the message ;-D)
9-11So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

I'd like to thank and openly forgive the young man that this process was released through. I'm confident that The Holy Spirit will heal and hear ever prayer we prayed for the passed two months! Even though you're not what I thought you'd be it looks like you were just what God intended for you to be me. Moses guide your flock to the promise land. God Bless you and everything attached to your purpose.